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Hello lovelies, I know it's been months since I've posted anything. I thought you all deserved an honest reason why. I wanted this blog to be a reality check for a vast majority of women who are going through similar things, whether it's being a mother, no matter what your age is, adoption, and wanting to look good on a budget. Well, I happen to have an issue that many people have and I want to talk about that with you today.
My struggle with depression started in my teen years. I was never a real popular kid because, I was homeschooled and a preacher's daughter. I wasn't very outgoing either. I had a few close and that was good enough for me. However, the little bit of self esteem I did have soon totally vanished when a few friends that I thought would have my back started bullying me. You know how the bully wagon goes, once someone starts other people join in whether they know the person or not. I had people that I didn't even know telling me to my face horrible things. I didn't talk about it to my parents, because at the same time I was being bullied, my father was to, so to speak by members of our church. I soon started cutting to cope with the emotional pain. I constantly thought about ending it all since so many were saying the world would be better off without me. Fortunately, our great Lord and Savior literally saved me from myself and gave our family a chance to start fresh. We moved to Kansas and my father started preaching at a much smaller church than where we had came from. I wasn't sucidal or cutting once we moved, but the whole way there I was terrified about the people in our new town and church. I lost all faith and trust in pretty much everyone.
Once we made it to our temporary apartment I was in shock to see that the a large number of our new church's members were already at our apartment. They had been cleaning and get it ready for us and they even bought us food for weeks so we wouldn't have to worry about it. At that time I was 14 years old and I wasn't sure what to thing of it all. I still didn't trust anyone, but I started to think about it and decided to give these people a chance.
Throughout the years I learned to trust again, but my self esteem and confidence never really came back. The members of our church really helped me with getting my faith in people back. They were kind, generous, fun, not judgemetal, and they really are like a family. The big thing that stuck out to me the most was when me and my boyfriend fell pregnant before being married. Our church back in WIsconsin would have fired my father for my mistake, luckily me and my boyfriend loved each other enough to get married before the baby came and do what was right. Our church family really helped, supported, and continued to show lots of undying love towards us. My boyfriend, Antonio, was the one who really helped me trust and believe in myself though. He loved me enough to stick around and be a father to our child. I have always felt like men only wanted one thing and that you always had to look your best or you were invisible. I had a boyfriend tell me, I needed to loose weight. Antonio, was never like that. He only ever gave me compliments. I opened up to him and told him things no one knew and he helped me through some of those things. The big one was my issue with cutting.
Once you start cutting it's kind of hard to stop. I used it as a cover for my emotions. I would rather feel physical pain then emotional pain. The sad thing was, I saw nothing wrong with it. As long as it made me feel better I continued to do it whenever I felt down. I have two therapists, one for depression and the other for bi-polar. I learned soon after Antonio and I were married I would get angry at the most random things. After, I got myself back together again I would feel awful and begin hating myself for making my family put up with a crazy person. My depression is at a pretty bad high as of late. I've lost all motivation to do or become anything. Not many people know that though, because struggling with this for so many years, I've learned to act like a superstar and put on a happy face. My husband really is my rock though whenever I'm feeling down. He knows how to make me feel better and he is willing to do literally anything to fix the problem. My issue with cutting has gotten better because, I think of my children and how much I love them and I wouldn't want them doing this to themselves whenever they are sad. I've learned to talk about my problems and work through them. Sadly, alot of people are afraid and don't talk to anyone and by the time someone finds out what's going on it's to late. It breaks my heart everytime I see on the internet that some child commited suicide because of bullying.
If you are being bullied or struggling with depression, please talk to someone. I should have spoke up years ago, because even though I might be handling my depression alot better than I had in past, I still have the scars. I'll always have the scars and the worst part of that is I remember every single reason why that each is there. Also, prayer is a huge thing in my life too. I have been doing alot of that lately and finally realized I can't give up on the things I love, like my blog. I love connecting with other people and sharing my experiences and maybe helping others out there. Which is the main reason for this post. I'm going to be completely real and honest with you no matter what I'm posting. I'm not going to sugarcoat my life and pretend i'm a perfect little housewife with a perfect family. Our life is very hectic at times but, we get through it because we love each other and we have alot of people around us who love and support us.
I would encourage you to stand up against bullying, if you see it being done don't just stand down and mind your own business. Make it your business, to save a life possibly. There are also organizations out there that help people struggling with depression. One that I personally love and support is To Write Love on Her Arms. They reach out and help people who struggle with depression, addiction, and self-harming. I will leave a link to their website down below.
http://twloha.com/home
I have decided to continue writing on my blog because I feel like I have something to give to you all and if I can help even just one person then I'm doing what God wants me to. Make sure to check back on Monday for Mommy Mondays and as always,
Stay Beautiful